Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Just Passing By

Posted: December 8, 2018 in Uncategorized

He always wanted to make me watch his Minecraft-inspired animation videos. The first time he told me, “Ate panoorin mo tong ginawa kong video,” I very enthusiastically tried to understand what Minecraft was and the concepts behind. I had to spend a lot of future 20 minutes watching cool animation videos I did not get nor understand. But still cool.

I never regretted watching those videos for him, even if the only “insights” I could give were, “Nice!” or “Good job!” or even “Ang galing mo na.”

He said he didn’t know exactly what course he wanted to take yet, not because he didn’t want to be anything in particular, but because he wasn’t sure if a “professional Youtuber” ever needed to finish college.

I told him he could take Entrepreneurship, and jokingly added, “Tapos mag teacher ka ng ABM.” He told me, “Pwede rin na teacher.”

I guess he’s teaching me lessons way more than any other ABM teacher ever could.

He would always, always wear my clothes. His favorite blouse to wear–because he’s too lazy to find his own shirts when at home–was my statement blouse that says, “She is clothed in strength and dignity.” And sometimes when I go home and see him with that blouse on, he would snicker and just guiltily say, “Wala na kong makitang damit ko eh.”

Today, it was my turn to fit into the clothes we would buy for him for the last time. As I slipped into the coat and slacks, I thought he would really look dignified with these. As I tried on the white long sleeves, I found myself thinking, maybe I’d want an identical one for myself, too. It would be my favorite polo to wear.

He would always find excuses for his not studying in school. He would laughingly tell me, “Hindi naman nagtuturo mga teachers eh,” or “Eh pumapasa naman ako kahit hindi ako nag-aaral eh.”

So I struck a deal with him–monetary compensation for better class performance. This year, I saw him get excited and hyped up with school and taking notes (he hates taking notes) and showing me his card.

Looking back now, I wish I doubled up the prizes. He really tried his best, gave all-out efforts.

I guess that 500-for-every-90 is one project off my quarterly budget. But I’m in high hopes that he is now in possession of a treasure far greater than any I could ever give him.

I’ve always asked and even toughly pressured him about his spiritual state. He would always just keep silent, but at one point he answered me with, “How can a dead man know when he’s going to be alive? How can someone pray for life when he’s dead?”

And I’ve always been waiting to hear him say something poetic like, “The dried bones that I am now have flesh and blood and life. Ate, I am no longer dead, but am alive in Christ.”

I guess I have to be content with hearing from Kuya that in his last conscious hours Calvin said, “I am saved.” That as he was having his last moments, the way he asked for his last damp of water to his lips was, “I thirst, like Christ.”

I guess I would have to read in between those four words what could have been the poetic. “I thirst, like Christ. I thirst, to be like Christ.”

I ordered a rainbow-colored cutlery set for him this Christmas because I wanted to tease him slash give him something he can really use every day. And also so that his classmates can’t steal the set from him because it’s gonna be a unique set and they can’t claim it, because who else would get a rainbow-colored spoon and fork?

I guess that’s one item off my cart tonight. I’m in high hopes that now he’s got a golden (or something better beyond human knowledge) set instead, and dining with my All-loving, All-wise Heavenly Father.

He used to always ask me to taste his new experimental food for dinner, eat some of the cookies he bought from the local bakery, check out his doodles in the sketch pad I gave him, and with those twitched, almost smiling lips he would share his new joys of drawing (and animation) concepts.

I’m in high hopes that now he is sharing a joy far more glorious than any doodle, or animation video, can give him, with beings far more glorious and heavenly than anyone here on earth. That he is now in the bosom of my Father who has so sovereignly and lovingly foreordained everything in eternity past.

All of us are just passing by. Some just finish the transitory journey faster than usual. Calvin did, and peacefully and quietly so.

Rending Your Heart

Posted: June 21, 2016 in Uncategorized

and rend your hearts and not your garments.” Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love; and he relents over disaster. (Joel 2:13)

The Israelites have broken away from the faith, forsaking God and His ways. For decades they have done what is right in their own eyes. Nobody sought God. But the Lord sought them, and is now calling them to repentance.

We too have broken away. We too have been lost. We too have neglected the way for far too long. Render your hearts broken before God because of your sins. Acknowledge that you have stepped away from His path. Rend your hearts and not your garments. Be truly broken inside–do not hide behind religious pretense. As James puts it, “Be wretched and mourn and weep” (James 4:9). For only then can Gods mercy and forgiveness be showered upon you. The Lord is gracious to those who humble themselves before Him. Repent.

I thank You for Your wonderful grace, Lord. Do not ever let me take it for granted.

Red Apples

Posted: June 15, 2016 in Uncategorized

I knew what I wanted all along: big, bright red apples. Vendors of all kinds of fruits passed by me all the time, and each time I ask them, “Do you have big, bright red apples?”

“No, but I have fresh oranges instead,” said the first one to pull her cart by.

I smiled politely and said, “No, thank you. I’m looking for red apples.” All day long, several others walked passed, offering to sell fruits. And each time, I asked them for red apples. Some had mangoes to offer, some grapes. One even had green apples to sell. But I knew I was looking for red apples, and that no other fruit would seem right to buy.

Finally, an old lady pushing her cart came by, and I saw what I’ve been looking for: big, bright red apples. I excitedly asked her for it. “Miss, how much would you ask for these red apples?” She gave her price, and I took out a bill.

She paused, looked at what I’m giving her, and slowly shook her head. “I have no change for that yet,” she said. While still debating in my head on where I could find a smaller bill, the lady pushed her cart and started to walk away. Soon, she was gone.

I was puzzled. Was she gone for good? Or would she be back to give me my red apples once she had enough change for my bill? A part of me thought I should just wait around until she comes back. But a part of me also thought I should give up on the red apples altogether and just crawl back to bed and sleep. Because what if other buyers along the way had already bought her apples? Those were really good fruits. A part of me thinks waiting for it is futile. But I couldn’t know for sure.

Letting Go

Posted: March 26, 2016 in Uncategorized

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Love is Perfectly Beautiful

Posted: March 12, 2016 in Uncategorized

Love is Perfectly Beautiful.jpg

“Love is Perfectly Beautiful” (2/28/16)

Whenever someone would ask me why I’ve never had a boyfriend, my answer usually rests along the lines of, “I didn’t want to, I’ve no intentions of ever having one”; or “I’m still waiting for that right kind of guy.” Or perhaps the most grade-conscious kind of response, “I’ve no time for romance—studies first.”

And whenever a guy tries to make a move on me anywhere near that direction, I would always shun him away. Tell him I have my priorities, and romance isn’t one of them. Or sometimes when I feel like being mean, I would even say, “Hey dude, you don’t fit into my standards.” But the thing is, these answers are merely excuses. Well, yes, at surface level they may be reasons. But none of them is the deep-rooted cause.

The truth is, I see romantic relationships as something very much desirable, something everyone should consider as the best gift one could ever receive. You see, I esteem romance very, very highly. I think having a lifetime partner is the most beautiful thing that could ever happen to me—the only thing better than a night of star-gazing and high-powered binoculars at the rooftop with burger and pizza at hand.

And this is exactly why, I am afraid of it. Now perhaps you would wonder, how could someone be afraid of something so grand, so beautiful, so desirable? The truth is, I’m afraid of it because I know myself—I’m too flawed. I’m not the prettiest girl ever, not the smartest student, not the kindest person, not the best listener, nor the strongest woman. I’m not the ideal person to have a relationship with. I am, in fact, the very foil character of it. I am a little too impatient, a little too awkward. Too imperfect. Too flawed.

I often tell people that I have no desires for relationships, but the truth is, I perceive love as something so perfect—like a circle drawn with a compass, a line drawn with a fixed ruler. A dress made with all the exact measurements. A picture painted with all the rightful colors. Perfect. And I’m afraid of it simply because I know I am far from perfection. I’m afraid of it because I know that love is the king’s royal table, and I am a mere bondservant meant to serve them. That it is that VIP ticket to my favorite singer’s concert, and I am simply a beggar sweeping the streets. That it is that eat-all-you-can to Viking’s buffet, but I—I could only afford the fast-food 39ers.

I’m just… Not enough for it. I’m not pretty enough, not smart enough, not kind enough, not good enough. I think that love is that beautiful flickering of a flame that could give me the warmth, but I’m simply not fireproof. That it is a set of such wonderful diamond jewelry, and they’re simply not meant for me.

So perhaps next time, when you hear my answers on this topic again, perhaps you’d get to see past all the artificial superiority and see the real reason behind all the excuses. For me love is too perfectly beautiful, and I’m not.


Posted: February 27, 2016 in Uncategorized



Posted: February 26, 2016 in Uncategorized
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I may not be the most comforting and affirming listener. But I do listen with great care, attentive to every word you say, remembering them well, remembering you well, as I say my prayers.